Entries tagged with “tube” from Stupid London

London Underground's tube trains are among the most advanced modes of transport in the world and are very difficult to control - which is why all tube train drivers are secretly recruited from the ranks of the world's very best jet fighter test pilots. When a test pilot shows exceptional daring and promise - perhaps by flying upside-down through Wookey Hole, or doing a 'cloud skid' with no hands - they receive a secret telegram from London Underground inviting them to study at the mysterious tube train driving academy situated 25 miles below the capital's crust. If they accept, their death will be faked in an air show crash and they'll begin their gruelling nine-year studies. The subterranean students don't even get to sit in a tube train cab until they've spent a full four years examining the aerodynamic properties of earthworms, mole rats and badgers.

Here is a diagram of a tube train control panel, which a tube train driver has to be able to use with his or her eyes closed, even under 30 atmospheres of pressure:

In 2003, Mayor Ken Livingstone invented the Oyster card - a credit-card sized piece of plastic that harnesses the power of clockwork and wafer-thin magnets to allow commuters to pre-pay for their travel on London's Tube, bus and zeppelin network.

Oyster card users simply press their cards against the 'no fuss' magnetic readers at the beginning and end of their journey, allowing them to pass swiftly through the ticket barriers with the ease of a top forensic detective slipping through the police line at the scene of a murder.

However, such convenience comes with a terrible responsibility - you must 'touch in' at the start and 'touch out' at the end of every journey. If you do not, Transport for London will summon one of nine St. James's Ticket Wraiths (SKILL 12, STAMINA 24) and dispatch it to your house. Probably the most eldritch of all London Underground staff, these fell, robed creatures materialise in commuters' bedrooms in the dead of night, looming over their victims and breathing out evil vapours from the very lungs of the Northern Line. The terrified Londoner must press their Oyster card against the apparition's face - which is a fully-functional magnetic reader with a wireless link to the main Transport for London database - or pay a £20 on-the-spot fine.

If you have you been affected by a visit from one of Transport for London's St. James's Ticket Wraiths or are having trouble paying your fine, call the Mayor of London's office on 020 7983 4100.

The Central Line is the only 'wraparound' line on the London Underground. Intrepid commuters who stay on the train passed Epping in the east will suddenly find themselves at Ealing Broadway - some 27 miles to the west - in the blink of an eye. They will also find that two cherries have been added to their Oyster card. They are worth 50 points.