Entries tagged with “royal” from Stupid London

The Tower of London has held a menagerie since the thirteenth century. It was a place where magnificent tigers, elephants and even polar bears cavorted for the pleasure of kings and queens. However, 800 years is a long time and the Beefeaters have not always managed to keep up such an impressive roster of animals. Here are the beasts that most disappointed the Royal crowds:

1. A parrot shouting 'Vive la France!'
2. A spider with six legs*
3. A moody little monkey
4. A fried egg in a nest
5. A pig's head on a pole**
6. A fairly hungry caterpillar
7. Richard Nixon
8. A goat chewing a Beefeater's sock
9. A shepherd's pie
10. Fred Bassett

*Historians now think this was probably just an ant
** After five years of bad reviews, the Beefeaters augmented this menagerie inmate by making it 'wink' every so often, via a simple contraption made out of fishing line. The new winking pig's head on a pole became one of the Tower of London's greatest attractions, drawing hundreds of thousands of visitors each year. Even Queen Victoria came to see it in 1859, although sadly she took offence at the pig's head 'getting fresh' and slapped it. The winking mechanism was irreprably destroyed.

If they were laid out end to end, all the dildos from all the sex shops in Soho would form a vibrating plastic line stretching along The Mall from Admiralty Arch to the gates of Buckingham Palace - a distance of 1094 yards.

Laying dildos end to end along The Mall is technically treason, as Roy Castle found to his cost whilst filming a Record Breakers Christmas special in 1985.